Making plans to tell my mother

I've been a Hellenist for four years now. The first time I tried to tell my mother, it didn't work out well. In fact, every time I've tried to tell anyone around here, it's ended disastrously.

I'm terribly anxious, but because I'm graduating and will be going to college at some point, I think it's an ideal time to tell her: Before she can abandon me before it, but after the point where we'll have to live for years and years without peace in our home, if she isn't as accepting as I think she'll be.

This can't be a bad idea, right?

I may be the wrong person about giving advice about when to tell one's mother something. I know how it feels to hold such a secret (being gay, for example) in my case with that, one must feel the time is right in your own heart. Forcing it upon oneself when you are not ready could lead that, or any relationship, to ruin.

Ask yourself, do you need to say anything about it? Do you need to tell her/Does she need to know?

If not, and you are anxious about it, I would not make a point of "telling her". If asked, speak the truth — if not, keep a tranquil mouth.

My mother and I are very close, so I think it will be very easy to tell her when the timing is appropriate.

As I'm going to college this fall, I think it would be best for her to find out from myself on my own time, rather than from someone else or from wrong observation. She tends to believe that anything not of her God is automatically Wicca or Satanic in nature. Explaining my beliefs on my own terms, rather than allowing her to draw irrational conclusions, is very important to maintain the peace we have. Much upset on my art and overreaction on hers could be completely avoided by speaking to her about it. It may be very difficult, yes, but our family is close-knit; she will know in time, whether I mean for her to or not. Not being honest with my beliefs would dishonor me in the eyes of my family.

I see your point and wish you the best! May the Gods be with you!

Hi!

If you find you have a hard time telling to her face to face, then perhaps you should write her a letter. A letter where you can think over your wording and how it write it down so it sounds good. Then you could print it or e-mail it to her and she could read it in peace and think over it and perhaps come to you with questions if she have anything.

Explain to her how you found the gods, why they are important to you and what kind of peace in life and strenght they have given to you and how it has made you feel better. Explain to her what made you come to the conclusion to follow this faith and most of all explain to her that this means no disrespect to her chosen faith and god or her comfort with that deity. Only that you have felt another calling in life and chosen another path.

Most often composing a letter to get things off a chest can feel as an alternative, because then you don't have to think over every explanation as it comes and you don't need the risk of being interrupted in the same way as telling it to her face to face. Of course you should face her later with what comments she might make. If any, some people just tend to shrug other people's faith off.

Be prepared for what criticism you might meet and think about good and kind replies to them when you do face her. And if she has still a problem with your chosen faith, ask her that you can simply agree on disagreeing when it comes to religious belief. After all the two of you are going to remain close in the future no matter and sometimes it can be easy to just not talk about things that you cannot agree upon, wherever it's about religion, politics or other 'hot issues'.

Good luck and may the Gods be with you!

Thank you both very much for your encouragement. I love this site, haha.

Linda, I love the idea of writing a letter! I've actually already written one, believe it or not. I have an outline prepared of what points I'd like to cover, just in case I decide I'd like to tell her face to face, though. I don't know if she'll be shocked, critical, or otherwise... But I feel that I'm prepared for it, which is good, I think.

The benefit of a letter is that you cannot be interrupted; you're almost guaranteed that you will be heard out.

Once a letter is opened, it's near impossible to 'avoid reading' something.

For many people, it is easier to sound solid and coherent in writing than in speaking. If you're nervous, that will be evident in speaking and will probably make you hesitate and come across as shaky. Even if you're nervous in writing whatever it is you write, it is much harder to discern the writer's emotional state.

This can be, certainly, a major downside to writing, but in certain situations, can likewise be an aid.

Anna, not a problem my dear! I see it fit to offer encouragement whenever needed. Bonds created out of our faith should not be ignored. As well as having been in similar shoes.

I have found the writing of a letter to be an extremely good way to go about discussing something when I want to say all I have to before a face-to-face discussion takes place. I have even used that option with my husband when I wanted to discuss something very difficult for me to actually verbalize. There are certain subjects I have trouble started a conversation on when I have to do it in person. I left it taped to his den door. It actually worked very well. It gave me plenty of time to consider exactly what I wanted to say, what comprimises could be worked out and, as said above, time to make sure I was saying things in the best way I could. Come to find out there was a related subject that he wanted to discuss with me that he was having trouble talking to be about and it gave him a way to talk about that with me. And if you do it while you won't be around for a while if the subject has the possibility of being a painful or angering subject, the other person has time to process their first, knee-jerk reaction and move on to actually considering your side before you have to face them.

The process of writing the letter might also give you time to contemplate some of their possible reaction/arguments and give you thoughts on responses to those.

Personally, I never actually told my father but he was in the next room when my brothers asked me. I had no idea how he would react but he has actually taken it very well. Being Roman Cathalic it could have been very bad. My step-mom told me that while he didn't agree with my choice he didn't want to lose his relationship with his only blood-daughter over it. So we agree to disagree.

Good luck.

I have an update, guys!

It took a little longer than I anticipated, but I managed to tell my mother that I'm not a Christian. I wasn't able to tell her the rest, as she cut me off. I was going to write a letter, but the circumstances seemed right to tell her that I at least did not hold the same beliefs that she did, and so I took my chance while I had it. So far, we've managed to maintain our closeness, even through it. I think she'll ask me more about it later, which will afford me the opportunity to explain my beliefs further, but I'm just proud I managed to get out that much.

Anna, if you plan to tell her face to face, do make sure that you get enough time to talk and to explain why you've chosen what you've chosen and why it feels important to you. Think over carefully how to word it so it becomes easy to understand. And do point out that this changes nothing between you and her, she's still your mother and you love her. And your choise of faith is not her 'faulth' (I know some parents tend to blame themselves if their children chose another faith or ideology or something - and then it's important to point out that this conclusion you have made in your heart has another origin)

May the Gods be with you!

I know, Linda.

I'm usually pretty good at keeping my head and knowing how to talk to her about difficult things. I would've explained it all yesterday, but she told me that she couldn't bear to hear that I was a Christian, as she tends to respect my opinion quite a lot and her older brother - her uncle - just passed away. I think she's afraid to know that other opinions on what is "up there" exist, especially so close to home, because that would shake her faith. I didn't write the letter because, for one, I didn't have the opportunity, and for another, circumstances have changed and I'm not sure she could take the full truth at this point.

Linda is right my dear! I wish you the best, and may the Gods be with you.